Flashbacks

We take a trip to California two times a year to visit our granddaughters. We pick them up and we keep them for a time, sometimes a week, sometimes a month, or something in between. On this particular trip my autonomic nervous system issues get the better of me just like always. Too much time out of my normal environment and element lead to massive migraines and dizziness and sometimes short periods of passing out. It wasn’t always this way when I traveled. And it becomes easy to long for more pleasant times when I didn’t become ill with every vacation.

On this particular morning, I am sitting outside my camper at a park. Tami is inside with the girls getting them breakfast, and I am sitting outside with the dogs watching them play. As I look on, I am over come by weird feelings of… Can it be called déjà vu? The air is cool, and everything is in bright colors, which is odd for me being part color-blind. Even without my special color-blind glasses, I can still see the greens and the yellows, the pinks and the blues. 

Everything from the sounds of the birds to the sounds of the cars on the highway remind me of times that have passed by. It is a weird feeling because memories that I haven’t had in decades come to mind. Covid has long ago robbed me of any real sense of smell, and yet I can smell the flowers in the bushes which remind me of scents  of an earlier Arizona in my 20’s. It is strange how these scenes and smells can transport a mind to times decades ago, during a much earlier walk with God and a markedly different relationship with Him.

I was young and new to Arizona. I was also, for lack of a better description, a heretic. I had run from God and was very rebellious. I felt my life was in MY control but it was a mess. I couldn’t seem to stabilize myself, let alone those who depended on me. I blamed God for my troubles, the failinfs of Christ’s church, when in reality it was my very attitude and the failings of man that deserved the blame.

There are many thoughts, feelings and memories that I do not enjoy recalling from that time. And yet I am transported there now with a gentle calmness and yet a firm conviction that God is telling me something:

We often long for the days of our youth. We remember fondly earlier times and more carefree days. He is, I strongly believe, teaching me a lesson here. My “carefree” and youthful days were not so pleasant, because of the great gulf I had placed between Jesus and me. When I am tempted to pine for days or yore, I am reminded, instead, of how difficult I had made my life and the lives of those around me, and how many I had led astray in my quest for self-gratification rather than God glorification.

Now I sit on a beach watching my granddaughters frolicking in the surf, and I am overcome with peace at knowing THESE are the days to long for and treasure. Was the past all bad? Of course not. But there are far greater things ahead than behind. There is a reason why the car windshield spans the car and the rear-view mirror only mere inches. The past is in the past. I can leave it lay. I can utilize it as a warning and as a means of guiding others from a similar wayward path, but here and now is where God has led me, rescuing me through the blood of His Son from my history.

I believe in my heart that God has used the stored sights, scents and sounds from my past to tie me directly to this moment, to THIS time in my history, where I can be shown the truth of just where I was and where I am now in my walk with Him. And instead of feeling that longing for times long ago, I feel joy and contentment at where I am now and where I am going, and all those I might lead and guide along the way going forward!

Life is far from perfect. But I have the love of a God-fearing wife, loving children and beautiful grandchildren. I have a church and the support of a caring and devoted congregation. I have a mission-field that enables me to help those dealing with trauma and mental illness and, in particular, traumatized youth.

Life with God is so much more fulfilling than life without Him!

~Pastor Brian Wattenbarger